Friday, August 8, 2008

Why Atlanta is SICK-- Reason #3: We've got a mean strip game

I know what you're thinking... "But WSS, every city has strip clubs!" Well, you are wrong about that, as a great many municipalities have put zoning ordinances in place to keep the Porsches and Diamonds off of their turf. But, quibbling aside, I see where you're going with that, rhetorically. So, I won't begrudge you the admission you seek from me: yes, a truckload of cities, towns and shitheel burgs offer some variation of the gentlemen's club. But you still don't know what you're talking about.

To help you, the poor, bouncin-in-yo-face-booty-deprived reader establish some baseline level of understanding, I invite you to consider the following:

Let's just say, for purposes of argument, that residents of the largest city in the United States sometimes launch into empassioned rants asserting that their city has the best of everything to offer, and, what's more, their beloved metropolis offers the best variety of the best of everything.

I don't want to name any names, so I'll refer to this spice-of-life boomtown by a code name I devised by translating the city's actual name into an incomprehensible foreign language. We'll just call it "Nueva York." Subterfuge = consummated. ZANG!

Nueva York, I have only this to say to you: HOGWASH. Sure, you may enjoy seemingly nationwide recognition of the superiority of your pizza. You may bask in the glory that surrounds your (admittedly pretty frickin' great) public transportation. And the availability of taxis on your frantic streets is unparalleled.

But what good is a rail system without numerous stops within a block of a building chock full of fake boobs; or a big foldable slice not enjoyed with a big, bare ass in your face? And, if we're honest with ourselves, taxi cabs are really only good for one thing: delivering the eager gentleman to a club especially tailored to his gentlemanly needs. Without the pervasive presence of the booty palace, a city has no soul.
Now, you may take that allegation of soulessness as the baseless charge of an ignorant southerner, especially in light of the fact that Nueva York has itself some goddamned strip clubs. (you would only know that, however, if you were sufficiently intrepid in your codebreaking to see through my codename artifice... others can take my word for it, yes, Nueva York does "have itself some goddamned strip clubs.) That being said, however, the overall presence of sweaty g-strings and seven inch heels in that place (I guess we can shorten it to NY, even at the risk of blowing my little charade) is fairly described as anemic, at best.

You don't believe me. Fine. Instead, you WILL believe the authoritative source on all things inane and trivial... that source, of course, is THE INTERNET. Some facts:

*CitySearch (which, sits, together with a few other sites, like wikipedia and urbandictionary, on a sort of de facto Supreme Court for the world wide web) lists no less than 29 separate strip clubs in Atlanta. (Don't believe me?) That selfsame site lists a paltry 14 for Nueva York. (Still a doubting Thomas?)

*The US Census Bureau estimated, in 2006, that 8,214,426 people live in Nueva York, whereas the population estimate for Atlanta at the same time was 486,411.

*Thus, if everyone in Atlanta was herded into the strip clubs as some sort of blessing-in-disguise internment camp program, there would be roughly 16,773 people per fleshmecca (and they're pretty roomy down here.) In contrast, each of the bootyrooms of Nueva York would be packed with 586,744 foulmouthed miscreants.

Taking the above two facts together, and accepting as true the proposition above that a city's dens of debauchery (or, gentlemen's clubs, as those in the industry call them) comprise its soul, we reach the inevitable conclusion that Atlanta has comparatively more soul than this Nueva York place.

Hit play for further evidence of The A's abundance of soul and some diesel USDA striphop:

Please understand that I don't mean to minimize all the fabulous qualities of the comparison city, I simply use it as the gold standard (in this instance it may be more of a gold-plated standard, but who cares about semantics anyway?) to which other cities should be compared. So, its not like I'm saying that NY is bad, per se, I'm just saying that if Atlanta can one-up that beacon of elitism so handily, at least in the present consideration, I think ATL just might be pretty SICK.

So, Nueva York, you've got a couple of options:

1) Start making better friends with those "bridge and tunnel" people I've heard you talk about in such vile tones... I understand they're holding a good bit of the Tri-State's soul... Maybe they'll share?


2) Come down to Atlanta, get yourself to Pinups, and kick your trip off right by indulging in several hours worth of $5 dollar lapdances. At 4am or so, when they start cooking the free breakfast (unfortunately, not a joke), I'm gonna need your mea culpa, even through a mouthful of scrambled eggs, in the form of a resounding "WHOA, SICK!"