Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Why Atlanta is SICK-- Reason #1: Characters

OK, here’s the background material: assume, for just a minute, that Atlanta is SICK. Now why would that be so?

The first reason that comes to mind is the SICK characters we have down here… We’re talking batshit crazy individuals who are completely and totally… entertaining as fuck.

The quintessential Atlanta character (and the only one I'm going to discuss, for brevity's sake) is the nefarious Willy Terry (a.k.a. Bicycle Bob, Penis Man, The Elephant Man, and Lefty.)

Willy Terry, simply put, has a huge cock. That, especially down here in the south (the land of large dicks—sadly, I am a transplant, so I’m still hung like a mosquito), is not independently noteworthy.

However, The Elephant Man is seemingly compelled to make something noteworthy out of his, ummm, trunk... so he displays it as best he can within the bounds of the law. Seriously, keep reading.

Mr. Terry stands at a very busy corner in a predominantly residential community near the central downtown/midtown hub that comprises Atlanta’s center, and he makes members of the public look at his package. He accomplishes this by leaning on his cane, wearing spandex bicycle shorts, and making eye contact with passing motorists—just daring them to take one glance at the overfed ferret he’s got in the shorts.

To make a long story short, this guy is SICK. He took exhibitionism from garden-variety perversion to public art; and, real talk, Willy Terry puts even the most intricate, eye-catching piece of park sculpture to shame.

Not only is Willy SICK, but locals damn sure know about it: they even put up a mock traffic sign (above), honoring Willy Terry’s unflagging commitment to indecent exposure… I think the reader will agree that the preceding prose points up one undeniable fact: ATLiens know some SICK shit when they see it and they respond with some SICK shit of their own. Its like an all you can eat buffet of sickness down here, you bastards.

Anyway, to see the man/myth/legend that is Willy Terry, and to get just a tidbit of insight into the wacky world of the stranger-than-fiction characters of Atlanta, watch this:

And this:

So now you know one reason why Atlanta is SICK... In light of that, I'd like to encourage the reader to come on down to the south, get yourself an eyeful of Willy Terry's honkin' salami... and then just let it out, you know you need to say it... everybody now: "WHOA, SICK!"